Comedy Episode 4 - Dark Comedy UK

Scene 1

A day at the Circus

INT: Large Circus Tent

The floor is covered in hay; Clowns are running around in circles bumping into each other. All of a sudden Texas Joe runs into the floor pretending to shoot members of the audience with a cap gun.

Texas Joe: Hey Y'all, Have you enjoyed the show?

The crowd are going completely mad.

Crowd: Yeeeeaaaahhhh (Wolf whistles)v Texas Joe: I'm sorry folks but this is the last act of the show

Crowd: Awwwweeeeev Texas Joe: No no - don't worry guys because Cannon ball Jimmy (shouts very loud)ROCKKKK

Crowd cheer and sound very excited. Jimmy walks on and climbs into the cannon, the cannon raises as the drum roll procedes.

Texas Joe: Are yooouuu ready???

Crowd: Yeeeeaaaahhhhh

Texas Joe: Drum roll....

Drum Roll

Texas Joe: 10....9.....8.....

Crowd: 7...6.....5.....4....3......2.....1

The Cannon'BANG' Jimmy flies out at a ridiculas speed, zooms about 30 foot above the top of the safety net and shoots straight through the top of the tent.

Jimmy Rock: AAAAARRRRRRrrggggggghhhhhhhh (quieter as the scream continues)

Texas Joe looks completely shocked but turns around and puts a show face on.

Texas Joe: (Shouts) Hows that for a finally!!!

Crowd are completely crazed with excitement

Screen = Blank

Ext: Field

A shot of a tree on the roadside, the circus tent is in the distance. A family driving home from the circus. Camera shoots to them driving off, then zooms into the tree, Jimmy is in the tree, Elvis costume in tatters, covered in wounds.

Jimmy: (Faint voice) heeeellllppppp

Screen = Blank

There is a sound in the background 'THUD'.

Scene 2

Bed and Breakfast

EXT: Street outside Horris's Street

Garth pulls up in his truck. Garth grips a bag of logs out of the back of the truck and walks to Horris's door. Garth then rings the door bell and there is an outline os a large man walking to answer the door.

INT: Hallway

The camera is looking over Horris's shoulder. The door swings open. The camera zooms in over the shoulder to a close up of Garths face.

EXT: Street

Garth looks shocked and disgusted, there is a silence for about 10 seconds. Then the camera angle changes and zooms into Horris's teeth. It is obvious by now that Garth is looking at Horris's canine teeth (which are actually quite large).

Garth pulls away from his hypnotic trance...

Garth: Hi there sir, I have some logs for you.

Horris: That's lovely my son, lovely... How much do I owe you?

Garth: Three fifty sir.

Horris reaches into his pocket and pulls out a fiver and hands it to Garth, Garth now beginning to look annoyed, hands Horris one pound fifty and rushes off to his car. He slams the car door and starts the engine.

INT: Car

Garth: (talking to himself) the dirty rodents none of them should live, Derek must know of this.

EXT: Street

The truck spins off very quickly, then the camera zooms to Horris. Horris smiles with a wild look in his eye then walks back into the house in a relaxed manor.

Scene 3

Glasto INT: Studio

Presenter is sitting on a low couch with loud music in the background.

Presenter: That was 'Smokey burner babes' with there new hit single 'Grease me up'. And now we have a great treat for you, Sam is live at Glastonbury where the weather is looking fine.

Presenter turns his head away form the camera.

Presenter: Hello Sam are you there?

EXT: Fields

Close up of presenter (upper body) wearing a green poncho; the weather is very miserable/close to a storm.

Sam: Hi all I'm here at Glastonbury, and we have some great weather as you can see?

Presenter's voice: It looks lovely down there, watch you don't get a tan? What are the bands like so far?

Sam: Haven't got round much since the storm came in, but this morning I saw Morrissey. To be honest he just made me feel like offing myself.

Presenter's voice: That's understandable; It looks very bad there we'll let you get in doors then speak some more.

Sam: (With a great deal of sarcasm) CHEERS!!!

Camera zooms out; Sam is up to her waist in mud trying to crawl out.

Scene 4 Who did bloody do it??? Part 1

Int: The office

The camera is fixed on the bathroom door, which has so much smoke coming from the seems the looks like the room is on fire. The door swings open and Sherlock walks into the office slowly appearing from the dark black smoke. Sherlock's eyes are open wildly as he stairs around the room.

The main door swing open Watson storms in, there is a grave fear in Sherlock's eyes, pure terror, and he stiffens up like he has seen a ghost. Approx 10 seconds later Sherlock realises it is Watson.

Watson: Sherlock there has been a murder

Sherlock: Give me that paper; this could be the excitement I have yearned for quite some time.

Sherlock reads the paper and then rushes towards the toilet.

Sherlock: (Mumbling to himself). This is it this is it.

Sherlock turns before he enters the toilet.

Sherlock: I will be with you in a minute

More smoke appears from the toilet.

Screen = Blank - at the bottom "30 minutes later"

Sherlock bursts out of the room, Watson is sitting in the chair almost asleep.

Sherlock: Come now Watson, this is no time for sleeping.

Watson: B-b-but

Sherlock: (before Watson can answer) come on, there is little time and much to do.

Ext: Street

Watson and Sherlock are walking down the street

Watson: (looking at Sherlock like he is silly) Sherlock what are we doing here?

Sherlock: Watson, my poor Watson. In the paper it said that the man murdered lived on Birchmore street, so obviously the first place to look is Oakwood street.

Watson: (Looks perplexed) because?

Sherlock: Come now Watson I thought my trusty companion would know such a simple answer.

In the paper it mentions that the murdered

Watson: (interrupts) Murder?

Sherlock: Yes Watson murdered..... the murdered Mr Drake was extremely rich, therefore must have dabbled with the gents on ...

Watson: Oakwood street.

In the distance Sherlock spots Miss Marple, they both catch each others eye. Sherlock gives her a sly look with his eyes squinting.

Sherlock then turns to Watson.

Sherlock: There she is Watson, nosey cow.

Then from nowhere a man appears near Miss Marple. Lifts his cloak.

BANG

Watson: (Shouts at the top of his voice) Nnnoooo

Miss Marple drops to the floor

Watson runs up towards the murderer, but he vanishes behind a building. By the time Watson gets there, there is no one there. Sherlock casually walks towards the body. Then checks the pulse.

Sherlock: she's dead.

Scene 5

Tourettes comedian

INT arena

The sound of people talking fills the whole arena. The camera swoops over the arena until finally focusing on the stage. The curtains open and Davie struts onto the stage and grabs the mic with one hand smiling slightly shaking his head from side to side almost like a nodding dog but sideways.

Davie: (very loudly and commanding) Hello all... Are you ready for some good entertainment tonight? I'm Davie junior, and I'm here to warm you up. (Points to a lady in the crowd) don't worry love... I aint a cook. I know that was awful (shrugs his shoulders). (Davie swiftly points one finger towards the crowd and stops shaking his head for one second). Paddy and Murphy throwing stones at the floor ... Paddy missed, it begins.

Anyone here from Manchester

About twenty people shout from the crowd.

Davie: I've got a short story for you about a burglar that I knew from Manchester. He sat outside a house waiting for the family to leave for the day; as soon as the family leave he's in like shot (Davie flings his arm out and points to the crowd), he's rummaging around looking for something valuable. And he hear a voice (Davie holds his hand over his mouth) Jesus is watching you, Jesus is watching you. My mate starts looking round trying his best to find who is spooking him. (Hand over face again) Jesus is watching you, Jesus is watching you. Finally my mate pulls a sheet off a cage and there is a little parrot there, Jesus is watching you, Jesus is watching you. So my mate, for his own amusement, says; hello there little parrot is your name Polly, the parrot replies, it's Harry, it's Harry, Harry, that's a stupid name for a parrot, then the parrot replies, well Jesus is a stupid name for a rottwhiler. Thank you guys but the best are to come, boy oh boy have we got a treat for you... The first act tonight is a new lad from Manchester, so here he is... Jake

Davie runs off the stage and passes a young lad the mic as he runs on.

Jake: Hello people, I would say l-l-l-u-lu-lu-lu, Gggentlemen but none of you fit that description, (Jake squints his eyes and flinches) FUCK OFF, WANKER. I come from M-m-m-mu-mu-mu, up north and, (flinches) TOSS POT aren't skallies getting worse, (very very loud) CUNT!!! All you get now when you walk down the s-s-s-st-street

A loud cheer from the crowd

Is "alright there, FANNY, BALLS, ARSE give us a quid ya cunt".

The crowd laugh at his impression.

Scene 6

Sexist???

Greg walk off the bus on his way to work, the birds are chirping and the sun is out. He walks past an attractive lady, she turns around, she has large breasts with good cleavage:

Young lady "Do you know how to get to the university?"

Greg "Just give me a minute" Greg stands staring blatantly and the young ladies breasts for about 30 seconds.

Young lady "excuse me!" as she duck to his eye level.

Greg "Sorry I needed to get it out of my system."

Then just as he points his arm ready to give directions a very lanky man pulls up on a tiny tricycle with a huge cage trolley, stands up (now towering over Greg) picks him up and carries him off into the cage the looks on confused.

Then he gets back on the tricycle, beeps the horn twice and drives away singing "wheels on fire"

Scene 7

Who did bloody do it??? Part 2

Sherlock: The plot has thickened old boy, let us go and question the late widow Mrs Drake.

Watson: But what about miss

Sherlock: (cuts him off in mid sentence) There is not time, this is a quick case to solve, we must leave immediately.

They both rush off down the dark alley with their coats flailing behind them (with a resemblance to batman and robin).

Int: Mrs Drake's living room

Watson and Sherlock are both sitting on the couch with a cup of tea each. Both in disguise, Watson's disguise is genius (it is actually a different actor - with a Liverpool accent), Sherlock's is feeble, he has just put a plactic moustache on and a baseball cap.

Mrs Drake enters the room, in a cheerful manor.

Sherlock: (just spurts out the question) who would possibly profit from your husbands death?

Mrs Drake: Well me obviously, I wanted a divorce, and now I have his riches and he is gone.

Sherlock: Well you obviously didn't do it. Anyone else?

Watson: b-b-but

Sherlock: Watson please, I am trying to deduce.

Sherlock: Just as I thought, it must be one of Mariarty's henchmen.

Watson: But Sherlock.

Sherlock turns to Watson

Watson: Mrs Drake has gone.

Sherlock: Only the innocent run Watson, you should know that...

Sherlock: (with a lot of thought in his face) Actually Watson, you have not run.

Watson is now himself all of a sudden (actor change)

Watson: But that's impossible.

Sherlock: Everything falls into place... you paid for Marple to be killed, so that I could be your alibi.

Sherlock: Of course, it all makes sense now. Moriatry is always one step ahead of me and (Sherlock's voice become more angry now) you are why, you (Sherlock points to Watson) ... the spy.

Watson: This is preposterous.

Sherlock: Yes, so preposterous it must be true.

Watson: For heavens sake Sherlock Mioriarty is dead.

Sherlock: Exactly, Exactly what he wants me to think and exactly what I won't believe.

Sherlock raises a gun from his coat and points it at Watson.

Sherlock: Don't make this harder than it has to be .... Traitor.

Watson looks petrified.

Watson: My god.... (points behind Sherlock) a... a pink elephant.

Sherlock turns....

Sherlock: Where?

There is nothing there, Sherlock turns round again and Watson is gone.

Scene 8

Psychiatrist

Obsessive compulsive disorder

INT: office

Darrel walks into the office and Dr Davies stands up from his chair walks round the table and shakes Darrel's hand.v Davies: Hello there Darrel my boy, How's tricks?

Darrel: I've had a good week sir, a good week (in a very confident voice)

Davies: (smiling) That's great news, no episodes then?

Darrel: Nope not for six weeks now. Quite amazing hey.

Davies opens his palm slowly then faces it to the couch (showing Darrel to the couch but in a creepy manor)

Davies: Take a seat boy.

As Darrel lies on the couch and Davies turns around to the seat next to the couch.

Davies: (whispers to himself) and the testing shall begin.

Darrel: Sorry what was that?

Davies picks up the chair and faces it to the front corner of the couch, while he does the camera zooms into a small patch of dirt on the floor. The (shaking) camera then zooms to Darrel's face as he stares at the patch of dirt, Darrel looks scared and there is a bead of sweat on his left temple. Next the camera moves to Davies as he sees this in the corner of his eye. Davies gives a slight grin.

Davies then reaches into his desk and pulls out a pack of three burritos then he pours himself and orange juice (over fills the orange juice and some spills on the desk), Davies makes no attempt to clean it up and he notices that Darrel's hands are beginning to shake. Davies then sits down and places his burritos and drink on a table next to his chair (as he places the drink down he purposefully spills some.)

Davies: Sorry about this, I've been rushed off my feet and haven't had chance to eat yet, hope you don't mind.

Before Darrel can answer...

Davies: Good Good, Right then, let's talk about your last episode and we'll get this cracked.

Darrel: (with his hand shaking profusely and speaking with a stutter) I was in the supermarket, just getting some bread and milk. As I walked to the milk section, there was a bottle smashed on the floor with milk everywhere, I (he stops talking and looks at Davies)

At this time Davies unwraps a burrito, tosses the wrap on the floor and takes a huge bite, some of the burrito sauce falls on the carpet (slow motion camera shows Darrel) Darrel looks worried with his mouth wide open in disbelief, his sweat is now more visible. Davies notices Darrel's reaction and pulls his orange off the table spilling it everywhere. Davies (now with sauce in his beard) tilts his head and looks at Darrel.

Davies: Please continue boy...

Darrel just stairs at Davies with a look of horror in his face, than Davies attempts to through a half eaten burrito onto the bin but it hits the side and knock the bin over, rubbish everywhere.

As Darrel stairs at the mess, now looking like he has seen a ghost shaking and covered in sweat. Camera zooms to Davies, another slight grin from the doctor.

The screen goes blanks for 2 seconds,

INT: Hall

Now the camera is in the hall outside, Davies opens the door to let Darrel out of his office. Darrel is now looking like a mental patient.

Davies's phone rings and he starts to walk back to his desk.

Davies: See you next week Darrel my boy

Davies presses a button on the phone.

Davies: Hello

Speaker on the phone: (Lady's voice) I'm at the restaurant now, I'll wait at the bar for you.

Davies: I'll be there in five dear.

The camera shows that Darrel has over heard the conversation and he shakes his head in disgust and leaves the hall (the penny has dropped.)