Comedy Episode 3 - Dark Comedy UK
Scene 1
Psychotic Psychiatrist INT - OFFICE Smart room with a large brown couch, a black comfy chair next to the couch also a chair and Desk. The walls are covered in art paintings, all in all a very relaxing environment. Dr is sitting in his comfy chair writing notes about his last patient... 'KNOCK KNOCK' Dr: Come in A large blonde haired woman enters the room wearing a flowery dress looking very cheerful. Dr: Hello there Sandra, and how are you feeling today? Sandra: Couldn't be better doc, feeling wonderful Dr: Good, good Sandra: Shall I take my usual seat doc? Dr: Yes sit down, relax and we'll start when your ready Sandra slumps down on the couch and flicks her feet up so that she is lying down Sandra: Ready when you are. Dr: So last week we concluded that the uncertainty of life brings you down Sandra: Well I was thinking about this after last weeks session and I realized that life is too short, so I've stopped taking my pills and I feel wonderful. Dr: I must say, I'm not happy with your decision to stop you medication but am glad that you are feeling good and well. Sandra: I feel I can take on the world, from now on life is just one big joy ride The mood in the room changes, all of a sudden there is tension, the room becomes darker, eyrie. The camera zooms in the Dr's face, his grey hair looking wild and his eyes wide open make him very scary... Dr: (In an annoyed firm voice) We all know what happens to joy riders though, they crash and have mangled bodies with blood smeared everywhere, bones broken - a gruesome sight. Or they get caught and go to prison for ever. INT - PRISON Imagination: Cuts to a scene with Sandra wearing denim prison clothes with a butch skin head woman behind her as the jail door slams closed (a huge slam noise). INT - OFFICE Scene cuts back to the room, Sandra is in tears on the floor with her head in her hands.. Sandra: Noo No, that's not for me, I need .... Need Dr: Yes my dear I'll write you a prescription now Dr walks to his desk very calmly, sits down and starts writing Sandra: I'm not ready for the world yet Sandra wipes away the tears and walks to the Dr's desk Dr: Yes my dear, these things take time Dr hands over the prescription and Sandra slowly takes it from him, very gently (admitting defeat). Sandra leaves the room very disheartened with her head down. As soon as she leaves the room the Dr sits back in his chair with a satisfied grin on his face.
Scene 2
Social club INT - COMMUNITY CENTRE - LOUNGE The entire rock band are standing on the stage, the guitarist starts playing the amps are up to full volume, the drums, seconds guitar and bass join in then the lead singer starts singing.v Singer: Shut the Fuuuuuuck up Come on now Were living in a world of pain Destruction everywhere Chorus Fuck this world Fuck these people Fuck yooouuuuu Fuck yooouuuuu The song continues extremely loud music and constantly abusive, the lead singer jumping up and down running around the stage, the whole band is moshing. Then when the song ends the lead singer shouts. Singer: FUCK YOU ALL Then he dives off the stage for the crowd to catch him, the camera zooms out, the club is full of pensioners (not impressed by the show). The lead singer lands on a table and it collapses underneath him. Meanwhile .... INT - COMMUNITY CENTRE - BAR There is a folk band in the other room with ten different members playing all instruments from a banjo to a saxophone. The lead singer (a middle aged hippy with a flower in her hair) is prancing around the stage, singing; Singer: (with backing vocals from the crowd) We are in Ireland the sunshine is here Were with our friends all drinking beer There's fun to be had up here in the hills No time to worry about paying the Bills Chorus We are the Irish Clan Having fun like no-one else can We are the Irish Clan Having fun like no-one else can Camera zooms out again to a large turn out of goffic teenagers having the time of their life all in a big circle twirling around and around, singing along to the song.
Scene 3
Fuzz - Restaurant INT: RESTAURANT Geoff and Miranda enter; Mick walks over to greet the couple... Mick: Welcome to Fuzz, have you a reservation? (Mick looks at them, very uninterested). Geoff: Yes, Geoff Brodes. Mick: (looks at the computer screen then at his watch) We have a reservation for seven o'clock but it's seven twenty five now. Geoff: We ran into a spot of trouble. Mick: The best I can do is quarter to eight, and you're welcome to the bar. Geoff: (with a disappointed look on his face) Very Well . . . thank you sonny Geoff and Miranda walk to the bar. Clock shows eight o'clock. Geoff is looking very annoyed. Mick walks over to the bar. Mick: Sorry about the wait, your table is ready now. Geoff: (stands up) About time, come on Miranda Mick: (Mumbles to himself as he turns around) Hope you'd just go away! Geoff grips him by the hand and turns him around. Geoff: WHAT!!! Mick: So happy you decided to stay (smiles) Geoff: Oh ... sorry Mick shows them to the table and pulls out his notebook to take their order. Mick doesn't speak he just stands and stares at them. Geoff: (holding the menu) We'll both have the leek soup starter, Ill have the salmon and Miranda here will have the Cajun chicken salad. Miranda will also have the chocolate gateaux for desert. (As he passes the menu to Mick) Thank you. Mick: Not a problem Mick walks off INT: KITCHEN Mick walks into the kitchen. Mick: That obnoxious twat (very annoyed) Mick gives the chef the order, then walks of. Chef: (shouts) Wait Mick turns around Chef: We have no salmon left only Red Snapper and Sea bass. Mick: Shit ... I'll sort it (walks out). INT: MAINFLOOR OF RESTAURANT Mick walks over to Geoff's table. Mick: Sorry Sir but there is no salmon left. Geoff: Unbelievable!!! Mick: (mumbling to himself) you can stick it up your arse Miranda: PARDON!!! Mick: I said... We do offer the Sea Bass. Miranda: Oh, sorry (giggles) Geoff: Fine, it'll do, but don't expect a tip sonny. Mick nods and struts off back to the kitchen. INT: KITCHEN Mick storms in Mick: Fuckers, he's really pissing me off, oh chef ... salmon has changed to sea bass. Chef: You're the boss (salutes Mick). Chef hands Mick the leek soups, Mick picks up a spoon then spits large green saliva into one of the bowls. He then stirs it in with the spoon and giggles to himself. And carries them out. Mick then walks back into the kitchen laughing. Mick: I can't believe it, his stupid wife took his soup (laughs more). Chef: (Laughs) that's a good one ... I'm of t' the loo Sound of toilet flushing. Then Chef walks back in. Mick: Did you wash your hands? Chef just laughs then pulls a fish from his crotch and slams it on the table and begins to chop. (Mick holds his stomach because he is laughing too much).
Scene 4
Beat Chocolate - Beat weight INT - interrogation room. There is an obese man (Frank) sitting in a chair next to a wooden table, with another man (Thomas) dressed in a shirt and tie, passing around the other side of the room. Thomas: (as he keeps pacing up and down the room, talking very politely) So thewe Dewek tell me what you have eaten today. Derek: Pardon Thomas: Come on Dewek, please just tell me, it will start the ball rolling. Derek looks at Thomas sarcastically Derek: Well, for breakfast I had a piece of toast, then for dinner I had a potato salad with a banana then for tea I haa, oh sorry I forgot about a bar of chocolate after dinner, then for tea I had chicken, potato's with gravy. Thomas walks out of the room, The camera moves to the clock, 30 minutes passes then Thomas walks back in dressed as a chocolate bar, and start prancing around the room, singing. Thomas (singing) You love the chocolate, you love the sweetness, eat the chocolate, eat the chocolate...Eat ttthhheee cccchhhhooocollllaatttte Thomas dives over the table slides long the table and knocks Derek clean off his chair. Screen goes black - then writing appears "Want to diet, but can't loose the sweat tooth, eat donkey bar, the new chocolate bar that is fat free" INT - interrogation room. Thomas is force feeding Derek a Donkey bar Thomas: Yes yes you love the chocolate don't you! Camera goes black and in the corner is the madcow sign
Scene 5
Check this out Doc INT: HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM Waiting room is full of a wide range of different accidents, bucket on a mans head, man with a dog stuck on his foot (toe), lady with a pencil up her nose etc... INT: XRAY/SURGICAL ROOM Two gay men standing waiting for a doctor, both wearing Suits. One man (Karl) looks in immense pain. Dr Slater walks in, with a chart in his hand. Slater: So then, Mr Thomas looks like you need an x-ray. Karl: (Looking very embarrassed and ashamed) Yes Craig: This is quite embarrassing for both of us; you will keep this a secret, won't you? Slater: Of course, only myself and if necessary ONE other doctor will know. Karl: (relieved) Thank God for that. Slater: So Mr Thomas. Could you please stand behind the X-ray (Slater points to the machine) Karl walks behind the screen and the X-ray appears; a faint out line of a beer bottle is shown in the lower torso area. Craig stares and looks shocked (very unconvincingly) Craig: What the...? Slater starts laughing, he tries to stop himself but can't. Slater: Excuse me (still sniggering) Slater walks out of the room and then in the background there is a very loud outrageous laugh, a minute later he walks back into the room with Dr Johnson and Dr Stevenson. They all stare at the screen. Dr Johnson: Holy shit, that's the best one I've ever seen (laughing) Dr Stevenson pulls out a Polaroid camera Dr Stevenson: Smile The there is a flash as he takes a picture of Mr Thomas Dr Stevenson: That's a keeper Dr Johnson: (looking at Mr Thomas) how the hell did you put the bottle all the way in... was it a party trick gone wrong ... come on you can tell me (winks at him) All the doctors laugh as the couple look very displeased Dr Stevenson: (looking shocked) holy moley was there beer in that Dr Johnson: There's nothing worse than warm beer, (shouts) wayhay Karl: This is very unprofessional people; we need something done (very annoyed) Dr Johnson: ok sir we're sorry, come away from the screen and we'll take you to surgery, (then says quietly) or maybe to the bottle bank, (drum noise) bum bum tsst INT: DOCTORS LOUNGE Dr Stevenson walks in and pins the picture on the notice board. Already on the board is a wide range of older pictures that are just as comical, such as a fat little boy with a huge cheeseburger stuck in his mouth
Scene 6
Fortune Teller EXT: OUTSIDE BLOCK OF FLATS Karen is standing by the intercom of the flats, pressing the buzzer. A croaky voice answers "Enter". TZZZZZT INT: FLAT Karen walks up 2 fights of stairs and in through the fortune tellers door that has been left open. INT: FORTUNE TELLERS FLAT Karen walks through a door way of beads. The fortune teller is sitting at a table with a crystal ball, the room is very dark. There is a squirrel in a cage in the corner, a blind dog sitting next to the Fortune Teller and a monkey sitting on an arm chair. Teller: Come in Karen and give my colleague the payment. The monkey walks up to Karen and put its hand out, Karen passed it the money, and then the monkey walks back to his chair and sits down. Karen then sits down at the table. Karen: I... The Teller interrupts. Teller: Do not speak my lady ... all will be revealed. The Teller begins waving her hands around the crystal ball then stands up and starts dancing around the table. While this is happening the monkey is acting completely insane jumping up and down screaming. After a small while the teller runs out of the room screaming then walks back in like nothing has happened and sits down. Karen sits still (very scared) Teller: (Shouts) The GODS have spoken and the future has arrived. Teller: (Stares at Karen) the monkey from the south brings good fortune but only if the dog from the west is caught, when it attempts treachery. But my lady, don't forget that although the monkey will bring good fortune it brings a choice. This choice can be easier by the owl or the lion but this will present another choice. The owl will bring you what you desire but the lion will give you what you need. A child will be born when the dog arrives. (Teller stands up and points to the door Shouting) NOW LEAVE, LEAVE MY CHILD. Karen runs out of the flat absolutely petrified and very confused The Teller turns to the monkey Teller: She'll keep the baby from her brother in-law, silly woman. The monkey slaps himself in the face. |
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