Comedy Episode 2 - Dark Comedy UK
Scene 1
Character Action Hero wannabe Dave wakes up runs to the bathroom, two minutes later he walks out looking like James Bond. He walks back to his room and looks at his calendar "Holiday in Spain 10/07". The house is quiet and no-one is awake, Dave runs down the stairs then into the garage, there he uncovers a large 1940's siren and starts twirling the handle. The siren is extremely loud, within minutes the whole family are there in their pyjamas staring at him, unimpressed. Clock is in the background 7:35 Dave:: (very eagerly) Come on people I want you in this car at 0800 hours Dave turns and points to a half ruined 1970's Volvo estate, with all their suite cases on a roof rack. The unhappy family walk off to get ready. Camera shows the garage door from a distance ("James bond 'live and let die'" music plays). The garage door opens (electronically); the estate car slowly appears as the garage door lifts up then pulls out of the garage like a formula one car out of the pits, screeching around the first corner. The camera shows the back of the car with a large amount of smoke blowing out of the exhaust as it screeches around another corner. They park up in the underground car park at the Airport; the family are struggling to unload the car as Dave just stands there, similar to a body guard (arms crossed legs apart and calmly scanning the vicinity). The airport trolley is packed so Dave signals the family to follow him to the elevator. Camera cuts to a scene of the family about to board at the tunnel. Dave standing proud next to an exhausted family. Dave pulls out his passport to give the impression that it is an FBI badge. Dave:: (In a James Bond voice) My names Bond, Dave Bond BRITISH CITIZEN Then he passes the confused lady the tickets and the rest of the family's passports. Turns to the family Dave:: Come on people we're almost out of the country, lets go, move move Camera cuts to the family walking to the customs metal detector, Dave in the front Dave:: Come on people we're gonna get caught her and the mission will be a failure. The Spanish customs officer (man with a moustache and a beer belly) looks at Dave strange, Dave passes him the first suitcase, he searches through it and finds nothing inappropriate, then starts searching through the others. Dave is checking that 'The coast is clear', The Spaniard looks at him strangely, then calls over two other men, and they escort Dave off to another room and let the family go off to the hotel. Camera cuts to a Spaniard interrogating Dave about drugs and bombs. The door swings open and a huge man walks in with a rubber glove on. Shocked expression on Dave's face. Camera then cuts to Dave naked, bending over and the man standing over him with his gloved fist clenched, a silent pause then as the man is about to put his fist where the sun doesn't shine ... Camera zooms into Dave's family all enjoying the sun at the beach, not worried about Dave at all
Scene 2
A MADCOW production Townie Wear Advert on the television, the two models? Are on the street wearing Addidas trainers, Addidas socks (male white socks, female pink socks), a Addidas striped navy top - male, pink jogging top and both wearing baseball caps. EXT: STREET Street ally with graffiti on the walls and puddles on the floor. The two models enter the street in the distance with smoke surrounding them. Narrator: (in an excited voice) It's hip its cool, its 2004 fashion. (Shouts in a deep voice) TOWNIE WEEAAAAR. The two models come into view, Ben stands and stares at the camera with his head tilted slightly down, while Janine 'rave' dances in the background moving her head a lot but because she has so much hairspray on her hair doesn't move. Narrator: Look at her go ... (deep voice) TOWNIE WEEAAAAR The two models swap places, then there is a passer by and Ben punches him in the stomach and starts kicking him in all over while he is on the floor. Narrator: Not just fashionable but practical, the Addidas trainers won't even scuff. (Deep voice) TOWNIE WEEAAAAR, TOWNIE WEEAAAAR, TOWNIE WEEAAAAR. Ben walks up to the camera and spits on the floor then puts his arm round Janine as they both hand signal like gangsters. Narrator: (Shouting very loud and deep) TOWNIE WEEAAAAR Small letters at the bottom of the screen 'Brought to you by MADCOW Ltd.'
Scene 3
Car Sales EXT, COUNCIL ESTATE - camera ZOOMS INTO ONE HOUSE Dave is standing at the side of a car, a nice couple are standing next to the car, camera zooms in. Dave: So there do you fancy a test drive? The couple look at each other and ... Emily: I think that would be lovely Dave: Alright then fella (In a ladish voice) They all get in the car, Dave in the back seat, Craig in the driving seat and Emily in the passenger seat. The car pulls away (camera from above) Camera is inside the car, car takes corner after corner, all is well, they pull up at the house. They all get out of the car and walk to the boot. Dave: so then... let have a look at the boot, in our days you need boot space. The boot opens and there is a dead body of a man in a suite and gagged women trying to scream next to him, still alive. The boot slams down and the camera zooms out to show the main characters. Dave: Oh shit. The couple look at him scared EXT, COUNCIL ESTATE - CAMERA ZOOMS INTO JUST OUTSIDE ONE HOUSE Pictures show the following in a PowerPoint fashion. Picture 1: The couple are looking shocked but in the background the gangster is walking towards the front seat. INT, FRONT SEATS OF THE CAR Picture 2: Dave kneels on the front seat and gets a rubber mallet from the passenger seat glove box. EXT, COUNCIL ESTATE - BY THE BOOT OF THE CAR Picture 3: Close up of the scared couple Picture 4: Dave behind the couple and you can clearly see the mallet behind his back. Picture 5: Dave with shifty eyes to his left Picture 6: Dave with shifty eyes to his right Picture 8: Split vertically, left side - Painful look on Craig's face s the mallet hits him on the head. Right Side - Painful look on Emily's face as the mallet hits her on the head. Picture 9: Craig being placed onto the back seat of the car (camera view outside the car) INT, BACK SEAT OF THE CAR Picture 10: Dave placing Emily in the car Picture 11: Dave in driving seat of the car EXT, COUNCIL ESTATE Picture 11: Car driving away
Scene 4
Faithless INT Church A very young lady run in through the main entrance to the confession booth wearing a long dress and a shawl over her head, she enters the confession booth. Vicar: Good afternoon Lady: Bless me father for I have sinned. Vicar: Hello Mrs Jenkins what have you done now Lady: Father I feel terrible, I've sinned badly this time. My husband came home last night and as he arrived I dropped a plate in the kitchen and said the lords name, I feel so shamed to have took the lords name in vain, what shall I do to myself to stop this happening again and to get the lords forgiveness. Vicar: Oh crying out loud, you need to get a life you stupid little tart, You come to my office later and I'll make sure you get forgiveness. I'll punish you for your sins, and maybe even teach you a trick or two. Lady: FATHER, how dare you say such things in the lords house, you know you haven't got an appointment until Friday.
Scene 5
Animal Emergency Room Description Animal ER is a main emergency room where pets are brought in with a wide range of injuries and illnesses. They have specialist equipment ready to deal with anything from putting a rabbits leg into cast to a small amount of electric to restart a hamsters heart. Dr. Steve Dooley - Young doctor mid 20's, dark hair, good looking. Very eager to make a difference, treats animals like humans. INT: ER ENTERANCE CORRIDOOR (Camera facing the door) Entrance doors fly open as the (Vet) Paramedics wheel in a new patient. INT: ER ENTERANCE CORRIDOOR (Camera moves to e ceiling view) The bed flies past with just a small hamster in the middle. INT: HOSPITAL SURGERY ROOM Dr Dooley, Nurse Jones and Allan are in the room, they both hold onto the mini stretcher that the hamster is on ... Dooley: one ... two ... three They both lift the min stretcher onto a half sized bed, then Jones plugs the hamster in. Camera shows the stats screen with a flat line, the hamster is dead. Dr Dooley: Give me the stats Allan? (In a quick and important voice) Allan: Name Scholesy, age 13 months, Diagnosis Cardiac arrest. Dooley: Good god man we need to work fast pass me the paddles and set them to 12 volts. Jones: Yes sir Nurse Jones opens up a small box and there is a 12 volt and 24 volt battery, each attached with wires to two small paddles about 1cm wide. She passes the 12 volt set to Dooley. Dooley then licks them to check there is a current and places them near the chest of the hamster, then as he places the small paddles onto the hamsters' chest... Dooley: (shouting) CLEAR Dooley repeats the sequence Dooley: (shouting) CLEAR, (then in an upset voice) hold on Scholesy you can make it... Dooley pushes Jones out of the way and opens up another small box, inside is a tube with a three inch diameter on one side and a 1 centimetre diameter on the other. Dooley places the 1 centimetre side in the hamsters' mouth and then very slightly at the same time Dooley is using his little finger to massage the hamsters chest. Then in the background there is a sound, beep beep beep. All of the staff turn to the screen. Everyone sighs with relief. Dooley: (with a tear in his eye) oh Scholesy, you are a tough cookie. Jones: Well done sir, you're the master Dooley stands proud with his head up. Dooley: It's times like this that make it all worth while, Jones. Dooley: Allan, go and tell the owner of this little soldier that he lives, and will be back in a few days. Allan: Yes Dr Dooley. Dooley: Come Jones, we have much more work to do, many more lives to save.
Scene 6
Bed and Breakfast/ Car sales EXT, DRIVEWAY OF THE BED AND BREAKFAST The gangster's car drives up the driveway very fast. The camera zooms in as Dave drags the two people from the boot and then drags Emily and Craig from the backseat. Dave then runs to the front door and rings the bell three times. INT, BED AND BREAKFAST FRONT DESK Derek is sitting behind the desk, as the bell rings he smiles. He then jumps up and runs to the front door like a child. As he opens the front door a bright blinding light enters the room. EXT, DRIVEWAY OF THE BED AND BREAKFAST Dave's car wheel spins as he leaves the drive. Derek runs out and starts dragging in the bodies. Then the screen goes black. INT, BED AND BREAKFAST FRONT DESK Derek is on the phone. Derek: More have arrived; they're bound and gagged so we can begin tomorrow. (Derek smiles) Derek slams the phone down.
Scene 7
THE CLERK Five people sitting in a sports hall of a college, all in a row ready to enrol the new students. The student's rush in... the clerks all look worried. Black screen appears, with 3 hours later on it. Camera zooms into one of the clerks, a young man, mid 20's, wet dark hair (in curtains) in a shirt and tie. He has an old man hovering over his right shoulder. Just as he finishes enrolling a student... Clerk: There's your folder, you can join the queue for the lecturers when you are ready. The man behind him dressed in a shell suit with a towel around his neck; spins the clerks chair round and rubs his face with the towel... Coach: (with great enthusiasm) Come on champ, work it harder, no more fucking around, lets see who's boss. Don't let 'em know you're getting tired, if your arms are tired type with one to give the other a rest. Work the addresses, goddamit, they'll never know what hit 'em. The clerk sits, rocking his head (similar to a boxer in the 10th round of a fight) Coach: SPIT The clerk spits a big mouthful of pen ink into a rusty bin, to his right. The coach spins the clerks chair back round to face the desk. The clerk growls and slams his hands on the table. The camera zooms out, all of the clerks are in the view, working like they normally do. The coach stands one yard back from the clerk and looks like the proudest man on the planet |
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