Comedy Episode 1 - Dark Comedy UK

Scene 1 Dave - Action Hero wannabe - Dresses up like TV action Hero's and turns everyday tasks into assignments.

INT - BEDROOM
The Theme tune to Starsky and Hutch (Dave's alarm clock). He gets out of bed already dressed as Bruce Willis from Die Hard. He looks at his calendar "02/05 Jim's Birthday". With a Shocked expression on his face he swiftly he picks up his Back pack, puts it on and jumps out of the open window.

EXT - GARDEN
Dave lands on his feet and does a forward roll. Then runs behind a tree (so the traffic on the road can't see him.)
Man Next door: Hi Dave how are you today?
Dave puts his finger to his lips
Dave: shh

EXT - STREET
Dave runs across the road and dives over a hedge, he scrambles back close to the hedge then (trampling all the flowers) crawls to a gap. Looking out onto the road he notices that there are no cars so he runs down the street, constantly hiding behind Objects on the side of the road such as lamp posts.

INT - SHOPPING MALL
Arriving at the huge store (by now he is completely covered in dirt) he walks in and patrols the store to give the impression that he is a cop (but looking like a psychiatric patient), with his back against the shelves and turning corners with his hands out like a gun. Finally arriving near the radio control car section he picks one up and goes to the checkout (still like a cop). Waits in the queue with eyes all over the place looking very shifty.

Checkout lady - young, blonde hair and wearing a polo T-shirt with the store name and her name on it. (Jane)

Checkout Lady: someone's going to be happy (as she scans the car through the checkout)

Dave: It's for my son (still looking shifty)

Checkout Lady: Thank you for y.......

EXT - MALL ROOF/ MALL CAR PARK

By now Dave is running up the back stairs towards the roof, when he gets to the roof he pulls a long length of climbing rope from his bag, ties it to a secure pipe and throws the rest off the side of the building.

Then all you can see is Dave Pouncing off the side of the building (Almost expecting an explosion to follow), he slides down the rope. He reaches the bottom unclips himself and runs off hiding behind cars leaving his rope behind.

INT - FRONT ROOM

Eventually he gets home and his son is in the front room

Dave: Hi Jim, you'll never guess what I've got you, birthday boy

Jim: What are you talking about dad it's Cathy's birthday today

Dave: Aw nuts

Scene 2
INT - ART GALLERY
A gathering of approximatley15 people (12 rich business people and 3 Art critics). Zoom in to conversation between Angela and art critics.

Daniel: So Angela you've finally found a young fresh artist who is worth his wait in gold!

Angela: This man is a genius, he's just left Oxford with a 1st and I saw a piece from his collection and it is magnificent.

Carl: Oh I really hope that it isn't another one of your blunders, remember the young lady that just made embroideries of swear words, that was such fun.

Carl Laughs

Carl: the piece that was simple "SLAG" in large pink letters Angela looks at him displeasingly Suzie tries to change the direction of the conversation

Suzie: I'm eager to see what he's got, why you don't even look nervous

Angela: Well when you've got a boy wonder there is nothing to be nervous about

Alexander: Look at Miss Confidence oooww

Angela just simply smiles and looks at Alexander

Angela: If you've got it you've got it. I've got to go and introduce the masterpiece, see you all in a mo.

Angela walks towards the well lit stage, all three critics turn and look wondering what the piece is under the large white cloth.

Angela: Ladies and Gentlemen, Firstly I would like to say thank you all for being here. Now without further delay May I welcome to the stage Adam Johnson "the artist of the future".

A young man with greasy long uneven cut hair, whom has obviously been forced into a tux advances to the stage from the crowd of onlookers

Adam: Good evening All and welcome to my first staging of art, the piece you are about to see is disturbing yet accurate, the idea came from the destruction of our planet and its O zone layer.

Adam whips off the white cloth and there it is, a shabbily home made globe with what looks like shit has been smeared all over the top half.

I present to you "Crappy World"

The onlookers cheer in amazement; the critics are speechless and look at Angela with complete admiration. Anne stands at the side with complete satisfaction, knowing that all of the work put in has paid off.

Scene 3 Old Women Gossip INT - CORNER SHOP

Gwenda walks into the corner Shop, picks up a loaf of bread and goes to the counter.

Gwenda: Hello there Rose, How are you my dear?

Rose: I'm just fine dear, but did you hear about Mrs Jenkins

Gwenda: No not a peep, what's happened?

Rose: Well it's her son Gwenda interrupts

Gwenda: Oh, what's that Scallywag been up to now?

Rose: Well you know he's been working at Smiths Cemetery for oh, about a year now Gwenda very eager to hear the gossip, speaking very quickly

Gwenda: Yes, yes

Rose: The word is, he went to see Doctor Stevenage last week and he's got a disease, a real strange one

Gwenda looks down at her feet with a slightly sad look on her face

Gwenda: oh poor lad, (She looks up shaking her head) I don't like that young lad but it's terrible to hear of disease

Rose leans forward touching Gwenda's hand (to get her absolute attention)

Rose: Oh you haven't heard anything yet my dear

Gwenda: Oh Aye

Rose: Supposedly he's been fooling around with the bodies

Gwenda: oh that little buga

Rose: He's been up to some tom foolery with them

Gwenda: oh my goodness, you mean he's one of those Nero-feeling-Marks

Rose: yes

Gwenda: Oh that dirty little swine

Rose: Poor Mrs Jenkins

Gwenda: No-one is safe in nowadays

Rose: Well the dead aren't anyway (They both laugh)

Scene 4

Seedy Captor

EXT - STREET

Post man walks up to a house to deliver a parcel, knocks on the door, as soon as he knocks once the door flies open and Horris is standing there.

Postman: Good morning sir, I have a Parcel for you here.

As the post man passes Horris the parcel Horris crouches forward

Horris: Would you like a cup of tea, young lad?

Postman: No I'm quite alright thank you, I've got a lot of work to do

Horris leans forward and has a look in the street both ways to 'check the coast is clear', then grabs the postman by the collar of his shirt and throws him into the house. Horris takes another look into the street then turns back into the house with a sly grin on his face.

INT - HALLWAY

The postman is on the floor in shock. Horris 'dead bolts' the door and puts the safety catch on. Horris: An old man like me has to be careful, I could be violated at any time by a group of young lads such as yourself (Slight smile on his face at the thought of it)

Horris Stands close to him. The postman stands up and Horris walks very slowly, pretty much forcing him towards the kitchen.

INT - KITCHEN

The postman falls back onto a seat.

Horris: I'm Horris, and you are?

Postman: Pete (Postman is scared and stutters)

Horris: Are you from these parts young Peter?

In a shivery voice the postman replies

Postman: I live by the old Bakery

Horris: Very nice very nice

Horris makes a cup of tea and it over, as the postman takes the tea Horris reaches over with his other hand and strokes the postman's hand very softly, just once.

As the postman takes a drink of his tea, Horris smiles with his black teeth showing.

Horris: It's nice to have something warm inside isn't it young Peter

Postman tries to ignore the comment

Horris: A nice warm liquid inside you (Horris raises his eyebrows)

INT - HALLWAY

Postman: I must be off now (postman rushes to the door)

As the postman has difficulty opening the door Horris walks towards him. The postman finally opens the door then quickly Horris closes the door with the postman trapped in the doorway.

Horris: Don't you want to make me warm inside (Horris looks at him eagerly awaiting an answer)

Postman: shouting help, help I'm ...

EXT - STREET

The postman breaks free and runs of down the street constantly looking back, BANG straight into a post Horris walk out constantly looking around, he slumps the postman's body over his shoulder and walks back to the house. He throws the body down and locks the door behind him.

INT - CELLAR STAIRS/ CELLAR

Then picks up the body again and walks down to the cellar. A voice from the bottom of the cellar: help......please help. I'm trapped Horris: No worry my boy, I am here now.

The voice stops abruptly

As Horris reaches the bottom of the stairs there are 3 rooms in a very dingy dark cellar

INT - DARK CREEPY ROOM (IN THE CELLAR)

Horris opens one door and there are chains locked to a stained disgusting mattress. Horris places the boy down and locks him up and kisses him on the forehead.

Horris: There you go my boy you are safe now.

Scene 5

Burger Bar INT - RESTURAUNT/TAKEAWAY

Man walks into a British version of a burger king, man dressed in a suite with his suitcase stands looking at the menu for quite a while. Then he approaches the counter puts his suitcase on the floor.

Customer: Hello, can I have a cheese burger, fries and a coke please?

The boy stares at him dazed. The lowers his head and looks at the man through the top of his eyes.

Burger boy: (in a very dopey voice) Burga

Customer: (annoyed) yes a burger, fries and a coke

Burger Boy: hmmm Burga

Burger boy walks to the kitchen (customer can still see him), he stands and stares at another greasy lad, there both standing about 3 yards away from each other

Burger boy: Burga (nods once)

Boy: Burga (nods once)

Burger boy: Burga (nods once)

Boy: Burga (nods once)

Then the burger boy walks back to the counter and makes the drink and prepares the fries. Then he just stands there gormless staring at the customer. After a couple of minutes he walks back to the till.

Burger boy: £3.25 please

Customer looks at him strange and hands him a fiver. Burger boy puts the money in the till and passes the customer his change. Then makes up the meal and hands it to him, the customer walks out, confused.

Burger boy walks to the kitchen where the other lad is laughing his head off, then the Burger boy starts laughing too. Burger Boy: That was great did you see his face (keeps laughing)

Boy: oh Tats that was good (still laughing)

Scene 6

Bed and Breakfast

INT - B & B RECEPTION

Derek is sitting at the reception watching a film on his computer. Steve walks into the B&B with a large gym bag. Steve walks up to the reception.

Derek: Good morning Sir, room for one?

Steve: Yes, for two nights please

Derek: (Mumbling to himself) now then lets have a look here

While Derek is typing away on his computer he keeps looking at Steve suspiciously. Then he jumps off his seat stands up, leans over and passed Steve the key. First door on the left, its £35 a night, Steve hands over £70 and walks off to his room and Steve sits back down and puts his film back on.

INT - BEDROOM (Camera at left of bed)

Steven is sleeping in bed; the room is dark with moonlight shining in through the window on his left hand side. (Camera is on the right side of the bed showing Steve in bed and the window). Derek slowly appears from at the side of the bed, rising with determined yet scary eyes. He holds a steak in one hand and a mallet in the other. He places the steak softly on Steve's chest and pulls the mallet back (ready to strike). Steve wakes up and looks very scared as to the situation that he is in. Derek stands back in disbelief (can't believe that Steve has woke up), he stands back and holds the steak and mallet against his chest.

INT - BEDROOM (Camera at a distance from bottom of the bed)

The camera is showing the whole room. They both look at each other (ok korel (or Benny hill tune) music starts), Derek advances towards Steve. (Camera trick: The lights are on and off all the time (slowly) every time the light comes on both characters have moved a little more).

INT - RECEPTION AREA

There both in the reception area fighting and Derek manages to get on top, smiling he places the steak on Steve's chest again and is about to strike, Steve kicks him off and scrambles for the door.

EXT - STREET (if this is a one off clip)

Steve runs out of the door and Derek chases him down the road (giggling insanely)

EXT - DRIVEWAY (if it is going to be put in the series)

Steve is running down the drive and a 4X4 mini truck pulls up, Steve runs up to the driver.

Steve: (Screaming) Help, help the man is mad, he thinks I'm some sort of vampire.

Garth gets out of the truck with an air rifle under his arm.

Garth: Calm down, calm down boy. Let me see your teethv Steve: (Scared and shocked) what!!!!

Garth: Your teeth, show them to me boy

Steve pulls his lip back and shows all of his teeth. At the same time Derek arrives, rugby tackles him to the ground and knocks him unconscious. Then Derek stands up and shows Garth his teeth.

Derek: He's a vamp, he's not normal

Garth smiles (his teeth are ruined and the K9's are also missing).

Garth: Right let's take him to the house

They both pick him up and carry him to the house.

INT - SPARE ROOM

Then they carry him into a dark room full of candles. They place him in a coffin and leave the room (you hear the sound of bolts locking the door)

After the sound of bolts unlocking, Derek and Garth walk into the room. Derek places the steak onto Steve's heart. Garth looks at him in disbelief.

Garth: What the hell is that?

Derek: A Steak to rid this monster from our world

Garth takes the bloody steak from Steve's chest and rubs it in Derek's face (similar to how a mother washes a child's face with a cloth).

Garth: (in a very annoyed voice) you stupid arse, you don't use food! Garth throws the steak on the floor, he then tips a chair over and smashes off one of the legs. Garth places the stake (wooden leg) on Steve's heart.

Garth: (very loud and still annoyed) strike it! You moron!! Derek raises his are with the mallet held tightly in his fist and hits the steak. (The camera will now cut to the Game show, as there is a large 'BANG' )

Scene 7 Game Show

INT - TV STUDIO (ON SET)

The set floor has huge pink and blue tiles and the walls are covered in sports memorabilia. There is a huge 'BANG' and glitter falling all over the stage as Chesby runs onto the centre of the stage. The crowd are jumping up and down clapping and cheering. Chesby starts tensing his muscles, impersonating the Hulk.

Chesby: Yeah, yeah, come on, come on, this is 'Don't be a Looser'

Chesby runs across the stage and does a summersault.

Chesby: (as he lands) Lets hear it for the Jones's (he points to where he entered from)

All four of the Jones's run out jumping up and down almost like they have already won, and then they reach the centre stage.

Chesby: From the left

Craig: Craig

Debbie: Debbie

Karen: Karen

Crystal: Crystal

All the family: We're the Jones's from Rhyl

Chesby: And the opponents are All four of the Chadwick's walk to the centre of the stage, then they all stand there and do a "Chesby muscle" impression.

Chesby: From the left

Darren: Darren

Ilona: Ilona

Tom: Tom

Trevor: Trevor

All of the family: We're the Chadwick's from summerset Chesby runs in between the two families

Chesby: Now let's get ready for the Rugby round

Both sets of families are escorted off the stage to get ready, as they walk off the stage crew carry on crash mats to cover the stage floor. By the time the mini rugby pitch is set up the families arrive in rugby kits.

Chesby runs over the crash mats towards the families (constantly doing forward rolls).

Chesby: The winners of this round get a 20 foot speed boat

Crowd: WWwwwoooooooo

Chesby: Jones's go first, the first family to make 5 try's wins. Come onn (he shouts while tensing his muscles). When I blow the whistle you begin

Whistle blows....

Craig charges at Trevor knocks him down and scores a try, then celebrates with a belly flop on the mats Chesby: (Shouting) 1 - 0 come onn

Both teams are battling, really hurting each other (worse than a real came of rugby), ripping each others tops etc.

The scores finish 5 - 3 to the Jones's, it takes them about 3 minutes to get their breath back, then they all run to the camera.

Jones's: (Singing) We are the champions, we are the champions, no time for losers (they all point to the other family), coz we are the champions, dumdum of this show.

Chesby: Come onn, (tensing), don't go away coz nest its tag team wrestling

Scene 8 Advertising Company

INT: CONFERENCE ROOM

A large room with a table big enough to accommodate 20 people. Darrel standing at the top of the table with the rest of the team sitting in the first four seats (closest to Darrel).

Darrel: (in a pleased manner), Good morning all. We have a new contract with FAC limited, that's Futures are computers limited. After our recent success... The dog playing the drums for Music and Training Limited or as we called them MUT. May I say congratulations, you all deserve a clap. (Darrel claps).

Right then lets get stuck into the new mission. Lets start the brainstorming...

Darrel walks to the flip chart and writes 'FAC' then slams his hands together

Darrel: Lets go people...

Emma: A man dressed as a computer chip happily following a proud buyer out of the store.

Darrel: It's a start (He then writes 'computer chip man' on the chart).

Thomas: A sexy blonds working on a FAC computer, therefore showing that anyone can use them.

Darrel: I like it Tom a bit sexist but keep em coming (writes 'sexy blonde' )

EXT: MANCHESTER CITY CENTRE FROM A HEIGHT

The whole city moves in quick motion, day turns to night, night turns to day etc. For approximately a week.

INT: CONFERENCE ROOM

Everyone is sitting at the table exhausted; the room is a pigsty. The flip chart in the background reads: Computer Chip Man; Sexy Blonde; Spotty teenager; Business Man; Monkey; Cannibal; Potato. Then underlined twice 'Porn Star Patch Jones'

Darrel: The tape is back from the studio.

Darrel opens a draw and pulls out the videotape, he then places it into the video and switches on the large TV, camera zooms into the picture.

INT: BEDROOM

Topless Patch is sitting at a FAC computer; with his left hand on his knee and his right hand pointing at the monitor; his head turned facing the camera which is diagonally behind him. (Patch is looking very cheesy).

Patch: Hi people, as you know I am a busy busy man (he raises his eyebrows and smiles). So I need a computer that is quick, unlike me (raises just one eyebrow). So I own a magnificent PC, with a four gig processor, making it very Powerful; 1024 RAM making it very quick, A 90 gig Hard drive, oh yes (winks).

All computers come with a DVD writer, printer, scanner and a 19-inch TFT monitor. This costs just four hundred and ninety nine pounds, FAC 'n me thinks it's an amazing deal. See you around, you sexy sexy people, (winks and points his finger to the camera).